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Do snowmen poop white poo?

20 Dec

These, and other fascinating poo questions answered in today’s post.

Remember how I said it’s all about the poo? I wasn’t kidding. Another Catalan tradition is to have one sneaky little figurine, called a caganer (shitter), taking a poo in the background of any nativity scene. This is the best example of Catalonia’s particular brand of cheeky irreverent humour. I love it!

At the Christmas market in Barcelona you can buy a Caganer of most famous personalities, both real and imaginary. But you do have to move fast if you want one of someone popular like Messi.

Anyway, no more beating about the bush, lets answer the poo questions which (admit it) have caused us all sleepless nights. According to the fine artisans of Catalonia:

1. The snowman has brown poo
2. Bart Simpson has yellow poo
3. Hello Kitty has pink poo
4. And smurfs poop blue poo (I knew it!)

They left one last remaining poo question unanswered though. What happens when a man balanced on your shoulder decides to….

I see your Santa Claus, and raise you an Uncle Shit

13 Dec


If you look for uniquely Catalan Christmas traditions it soon becomes apparent, its all about shit.

Christmas day in itself isn’t such a big deal. Kids traditionaly did not get visited by Santa Claus, although now days Santa does creep into celebrations. Instead they got to beat the shit out of a log.

Tio-de-Nadal (Uncle Christmas) or Caga Tio (Uncle Shit) as he is better known is a tree log with a painted face and a funny nose. In the days leading up to Christmas Caga Tio is set up in a special room in the house and the kids help feed him lots of good stuff.

Then on D-Day a blanket is drapped over Caga Tio, and all the kids grab themselves a stick and start beating the crap out of him. If they beat him hard enough, Tio shits out a present under the blanket. He only shits one present at a time and kids have to work very hard to make sure they get everything out.

Walking around the shopping centers and Christmas markets in Barcelona, your more likely to come across a violently beaten shitting log, than a drunken Santa in a seedy grotto. I can’t say I disapprove.

 

Letters to Santa, the kids are back

1 Dec

I’ve trawled the Email Santa website for some more gems. I loved them last year and will keep checking them for more updates this year. Who knows, I may be making some more naughty requests from Santa! All the entries have been tested on T’s laughometer (he snorted a couple of times and then asked me to please go away and let him watch Master Chef in peace).

I couldn’t test the sad ones. T doesn’t have a cryometer cause T is a man. And men don’t cry apart from at a football matches or when watching Titanic.

Here they are-

Please make sure that the toys have batteries in them. Thank you!
- Thomas, 7, The Gold Coast, Australia.

Help people have food and a nice house to live in like I do. They will also need a fridge for there food.
- Braydon, 5, Calgary, Alberta.

Santa, please take care and don’t get sick. Drink lot’s of Orange juice and wear your slippers.
- Kyle, 4, Whispering Pines, North Carolina.

Santa be carful, we have holes in the floor. peple fall in them. I want to move. Mom says we are going to live on the street. If we are not here plese leve the presets at grammas. I love you!
- Elizabeth, 9, Auburn, Washington.

Santa I also want my parents to be nice to each other
- (Name and address withheld by Santa).

Santa it is okay that we don’t get what we want. It is okay but try and do your best.
- Dylan, 6, Squamish, British Columbia.

Thankyou for the letter you sent to me Santa. My cat has alreadey sent a letter to rodof.I have no idea what she wrote. From Holly
- Holly, 9, Auckland, New Zealand.

I wish that my Dad didn’t have to die from cancer
- Tanya-Louise, 7, Mississauga, Ontario.

Was there ever a time when you were sick and Mrs.Claus had to take your place???
- Vin, 8, West Islip, New York.

Santa, please be careful bringing my puppy down the chimney, if she doesn’t fit please make other arrangements to get her to me, do you have special helpers for precious pet deliveries?
- Scotty, 8, Fresno, California.

santa should loose some weight so that ruldolph doesnt have to work so hard
- Eric, 4, Franklinton, Louisiana.

I like that you have a nose that’s like a cherry.
- Hannah, 5, Glenview, Illinois.

Joy to the world, the sales are here

7 Jan

The most important day in the Spanish winter festivities ended yesterday.

The day roughly translates into the day of the three kings and it celebrates the arrival of Melchior, Caspar and Balthasar at the manger bearing the most useful gifts they could lay their hands on, gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Well done lads, that’s exactly what a broke young family living in a cow shed needed. In Spanish tradition, this is the main gift giving day. Every village, even our little one, has a parade during which sweets are flung out to the kids who come to watch. Other villages have the local fire department using their ladders to deliver gifts to the kids in their balconies, and special radio programmes on which the kings’ pages freak out local kids by revealing an in-depth knowledge of them and their naughty/nice deeds. The small pleasures of being a parent!

Since I am not one, I don’t really give crap. What I care about is that the sales are here! Yay!

Best friends forever Santa

17 Dec

I filled out the letter to Santa template-

Barcelona,
Spain

Dear Santa Claus,

My name is Prithika. I am a girl and I am already 27 years old!! I live in the great city of Barcelona. Of course, that’s in Spain, but I’ll bet you knew that!! This year I’ve been so good that I should really be on the ‘Nice’ List!!

Santa Claus, some things I might like for Christmas this year are:
- a good party with good people;
- a few earth shattering orgasms; and,
- plenty alcohol and soft drugs.

Santa Claus, I almost forgot to say… Dear Santa, you are the best man!

Love, Prithika

Do you believe in Santa? I do. Not only did he reply in about 20 seconds, but take a look at his comment about the gifts I requested. I tell you, me and Santa realy are BFFs.

santa letter

Let’s see what you put in your letter for Christmas wishes: 1. a good party with good people; 2. a few earth shattering orgasms and; 3. plenty alcohol and soft drugs. HO!! Ho!! ho!! Can I tell you a secret? I thought it might be fun to get Mrs. Claus something just like that for Christmas too! Let’s hope the elves can make enough of them for everyone!

C’mon elves!

 

Dear Santa

14 Dec

Can a writer make you laugh with one sentence, cry with the next, and then laugh again while the tears are still running down your face? Yes, as long as they are less than 11 years old. Here are some of the gems I picked off the live feed of Santa’s emails.

Don’t get dirty in the chimney or Mrs. Santa will be mad when she has to wash your coat. – Alex, 3, Butler, Pennsylvania.

I could have sworn this was going to be a naughty email

Hi Santa, we enjoying having your magical elf staying with us, only Mom & Dad can see him. I am really trying to be good but it’s hard sometimes with two brothers. – Biancha, 8, Calgary, Alberta.

Your ma and pa are lying bastards kid

Watch out for the wallabies and kangaroos and snakes when you come here! They won’t hurt you Santa! – Amy, 4, Brisbane, Australia.

Where do you buy the nose polish for Rudolph’s nose? I’d like to get some too and try it. – Kyle, 8, Portal, Georgia.

I have been a very nice, polite boy. Especially lately!!!! I’ll leave some cookies out – Cameron, 4, Brooks, Alberta.

Thats right kid, seal the deal with a bribe

Please make sure the reindeers eat all their carrots, tops too! becauase they’re veggies are good for them! – Tara, 5, Hartselle, Alabama.

I know the hockey stuff is really expensive, but my parents can send you some money. They are willing to work it out if you are. please Santa? – Dylan, 9, Colstrip, Montana.

Dear Smartass future lawyer…

If a reindeer gets sick take my brother to help pull the sleigh. He’s hyperactive anyway! – Devin, 8, St. Petersburg, Florida.

Dear future Nike outsourcing agent, child labour is illegal..hence the elves

Are there like any really cute elves at the North Pole? My older sister wants to know!! – Samantha, 5, Lincoln, Pennsylvania.

SANTA CLAUS PLESE SEND ME MY GIFTS I NEED THEM AND I WANT THEM AND I AM POOR. I AM NOT ASHAMED OF THAT I AM VERY HAPPY OF WHO I AM EVEN THOUGH I AM LITTLE AND POOR SANTA I LOVE YOU!!! – Felix, 4, Brooklyn, New York.

Dear little and poor, I love you too!

l would like if you to bring a toy for my little friend at school, they don’t have alot of money, so if you can’t l can give her one fo mine

- Christine, 6, Ottawa, Ontario.

Can I have an offical certificate saying that I been good this year?

- Calvin, 6, Basle, Switzerland.

I’m moving on Dec. 21st. Please call my daddy for directions if you don’t know where my house is.

- Ashley, 5, Ladera Ranch, California.

We are helping my Nana get better (I’m in charge of pillows!). I wasn’t too sure if you’d know ewhere to find me so mommy left a note for you telling you where. She put the note where your treats usually are. – Aron, 4, Chicago, Illinois.

oh bless!

Thanks for last year and please don’t forget my cousin. She can’t help but be bad. – Meg, 6, Sydney, Australia.

I know your elves only make toys, but I wish they could find a cure for my brain tumor. Maybe you could put a good word in for me with the angels? I don’t need any toys. – Madison, 11, Washington, District of Columbia.

Dear Santa, all we want is for the new baby in Mommy’s tummy to be a girl. Mommy said if she has another boy she is going to nail down the furniture!- Kelsey, 9, Trophy Club, Texas.

My dog is sorry he barked at your reindeer. – John, 9, Whitehouse, Texas.

 

Teach an old ho’ new tricks

13 Dec South_Park_Avatar edit

This post can be blamed on my friend Payal. usually one of the smartest smarter (you just got demoted because of the following) people I know. She left this message on my Facebook page:

“You’re teaching kids? I thought you were teaching English.”

Now watch me flex my teaching muscles (the result of a gut wrenching £1,000 spent on a 4 week course).

The idea you must learn today is- Loca teaches English to adults and children.

Concept check questions

What does Loca teach?

- Does she teach math? No
- Does she teach Chemistry? No
- Does she teach self-restraint? er..
- Does she teach English? (all together now)

Who does Loca teach?

- Does she teach dogs? No
- Does she teach monkeys? No
- Does she teach radical, right-wing, closet lesbians? probably
- Does she teach adults and kids?

Now, lets put those concepts together. What does Loca do badly for a job?

- Does she teach monkeys to play the Accordion? No
- Does she teach hookers to look like they give a shit? No (Well I could, but I wouldn’t want to take that away from the girls)
- Does she teach English to kids and adults? In the broadest interpretation of the term…..

Answer acceptable. Class over!

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